Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
You Might Also Like
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
won’t smith