Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
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Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
That lamp looks PISSED.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*