HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
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My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair