who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
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I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
A friend helps you before you need it
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*