America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
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doing your own taxes
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.