me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
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“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
same bro
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩