I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
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My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
❤️❤️❤️
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.