everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
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I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.