Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
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The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.