Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
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Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.