[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
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i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
These work great until they don’t.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity