sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
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OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.