If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
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Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?