Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
You Might Also Like
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Netflix and awkward silence?
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.