Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
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What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
My good tweets are in my other pants.