I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
You Might Also Like
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART: