Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
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there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂