A flock of dads is called a grill.
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When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
ugh not again
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika