A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
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I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
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DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
got so much cardio in today
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician