brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
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rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
S/o to @funTweeters .
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠