Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
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If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.