[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
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My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.