Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
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One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.