Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
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I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Me when my alarm goes off
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!