“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
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Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .