I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
You Might Also Like
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
me when the borders lift
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears