My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
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Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.