“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
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I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
what
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send