Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
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me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Bartenders are just boneless bars
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Me in tagged photos
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.