If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
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Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.