When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
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It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Raisins are grape jerky.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.