“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
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Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
i prefer mine room temperature.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!