Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
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Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.