I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
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passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
There’s always that one guy
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
President The Rock Obama
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.