People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
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scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”