history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
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netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
me before I type out affect or effect
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
That earthquake could have been an email.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
❤️🦆
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Close call…
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.