RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
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As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
men are simple creatures
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now