DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
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Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless