TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
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The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
me refusing to leave twitter
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.