Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
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I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
AM I BEING GASLIT????
My nickname in high school was “who?”
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?