sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
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me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
we’re dead?
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Strange
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No