This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
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It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
what’s more important?