me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
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Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?