Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
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Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
…..pretty much.
Canadian owl: Eh?
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.