[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
You Might Also Like
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.