I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
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[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo