I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
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Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.