Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
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[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime