“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
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Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
If you need a laugh.. 😅
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋