I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
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CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
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Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…